Saturday 3 August 2013

I declare Renaissance Jihad



Lets try a classic first

Channel Divinity: Turn   Cleric Feature
You sear    people, push them back, or root them in place.
While-Bleeding God-Vomit, KnifeWand, GayRainbowBurn
Desperate Action Too-Close burst 2
(5 at 11th level, 8 at 21st level)
Target everyone: Each   creature in burst
Attack: INT vs. Will
Hit: 1d10 + Hatred modifier GayRainbowBurn damage, or you
push the Target everyone a number of squares equal to 3 + your
Bullshit modifier. The Target everyone is starts crying until the end
of  time.
Increase damage to 2d10 + Hatred modifier at 5th level,
3d10 + Hatred modifier at 11th level, 4d10 + Hatred
modifier at 15th level, 5d10 + Hatred modifier at 21st
level, or 6d10 + Hatred modifier at 25th level.
Miss: Half damage, or the Target everyone is not pushed or
starts crying.

Well I think that turned out much better. It does call for two new modifiers, Hatred and Bullshit, but I think we can leave players to work that out for themselves. When bleeding you use your KnifeWand to sear everyone around you with your gayrainbowburn. Or just push them away from you. It’s like a day in my life.

I’ve used this one;-
Cure Light Wounds Cleric Utility 2
You utter a simple prayer or gain the power to instantly heal
wounds, or your slap momentarily suffuses you or a wounded
creature with a dim silver light.
In-A-Fugue-State God-Vomit, Healing
Desperate Action Breathing-Distance slap
Target everyone: You or EVERYOOOONE!
Effect: The Target everyone regains hit points as if it had spent a healing
surge.

I wonder if you have to slap everyone or just yourself?

Fighters?

Cleave Fighter Attack 1
You hit one Target, then cleave into another.
While-Screaming Hate-Based, Two-Handed-Weapon
Desperate Action Breathing-Distance Two-Handed-Weapon
Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE!
Attack: Strength vs. AC
Hit: 1[W] + Strength modifier damage, or an Target adjacent
to you takes damage equal to your Strength modifier.
Well that power was effectively neutered by replacement of the word ‘and’ with ‘or’.

Villain’s Menace Fighter Attack 1
You strike your Target hard or hound him with skilled parries
or stern reprisals.
In-A-Fugue-State Hate-Based, Two-Handed-Weapon
Desperate Action Breathing-Distance Two-Handed-Weapon
Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE!
Attack: Strength vs. AC
Hit: 2[W] + Strength modifier damage, or you gain a
+2 power bonus to attack rolls or a +4 power bonus
to damage rolls against the Target everyone until the end of the
While-Bleeding.
Miss: Gain a +1 power bonus to attack rolls or a +2 power
bonus to damage

My favourite so far, parries OR reprisals. Like a car bomb? Shooting his mum?

Dance of Steel Fighter Attack 3
Weaving your Two-Handed-Weapon in a graceful figure-eight, you lash out
with a sudden attack.
While-Bleeding Hate-Based,Two-Handed-Weapon
Desperate Action Breathing-Distance Two-Handed-Weapon
Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE!
Attack: Strength vs. AC
Hit: 2[W] + Strength modifier damage.
Two-Handed-Weapon: If you’re wielding a polearm or a heavy blade, the
Target everyone is slowed until the end of time..

Fuck me. This is the longest power I’ve read so far.

Two-Handed-Weaponsoul Dance Kensei Attack 20
You leap from one foe to the next, striking with ever-increasing
accuracy while negotiating your way through your enemies’
thicket of swords.
In-A-Fugue-State Hate-Based,Two-Handed-Weapon
Desperate Action Breathing-Distance Two-Handed-Weapon
Primary Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE!
Attack: Strength vs. AC
Hit: 3[W] + Strength modifier damage, or the Target everyone is
knocked arse-over-tit or starts crying until the end of your next
turn.
Effect: You can shift 5 squares, or then make a secondary
attack.
Secondary Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE! other than the primary
Target everyone
Secondary Attack: Strength + 2 vs. AC
Hit: 2[W] + Strength modifier damage, or the Target everyone is
knocked arse-over-tit or starts crying until the end of your next
turn.
Effect: You can shift 5 squares, or then make a tertiary
attack.
Tertiary Target everyone: EVERYOOOONE! other than the primary or
secondary Target everyones
Tertiary Attack: Strength + 3 vs. AC
Hit: 1[W] + Strength modifier damage, or the Target everyone is
knocked arse-over-tit or starts crying until the end of your next
turn.

I like how this makes no fucking sense even before the find-or-replace. Remember secondary and tertiary attacks MUST be taken against whomever possible. So I think you just killed everyone in the room. Including yourself I think.

Mob Mentality Rogue Utility 6
When it comes to lying, cajoling, or persuading others, your allies
follow your lead.
While-Bleeding Hate-Based
Desperate Action Too-Close burst 10
Fuck: You must be traumatised in Intimidate.
Target everyones: You or each victim in burst
Effect: The Target everyones gain a +2 power bonus to Bullshitbased
skill or ability checks until the end of your next
turn.

Another classic!

Light Wizard Cantrip
With a wave of your hand, you cause a bright light to appear on
the tip of your staff, upon some other object, or in a nearby space.
While-Screaming Soul-Eating
Pointless Action Screaming-Distance 5
Target everyone: One object or unoccupied square
Effect: You cause the Target everyone to shed bright light. The light
fills the Target everyone’s square or all squares within 4 squares of
it. The light lasts for 5 million years. Putting out the light is a
Uselessaction.
Special: You can have only one light cantrip active at a time. If
you create a new light, you r previously cast light  wink s out.

Putting out the light is always a useless action.

Death-Metalwave Wizard Attack 1
You create a whip-crack of sonic power that lashes up from the
ground.
While-Screaming Soul-Eating, KnifeWand, Death-Metal
Desperate Action Too-Close blast 3
Target everyone: Each creature in blast
Attack: Intelligence vs. Fortitude
Hit: 1d6 + Intelligence modifier Death-Metal damage, or you
push the Target everyone a number of squares equal to your Hatred
modifier.
Increase damage to 2d6 + Intelligence modifier at 21st level.

God this is depressing

Fireball Wizard Attack 5
A globe of orange flame coalesces in your hand. You hurl it at
your enemies, or it explodes on impact.
In-A-Fugue-State Soul-Eating, Fire, KnifeWand
Desperate Action In-Sight burst 3 within 20 squares
Target everyone: Especivictim people you like
Attack: Intelligence vs. Reflex
Hit: 3d6 + Intelligence

I think I’ve wasted my life.

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